There are very few memories I have of my childhood. There is one that is very clear. Sitting on the board they’d pull out to pack your groceries at QFC (before they remodeled it) in Normandy Park (across from John Knox). My Bubbie looked at me and said, “you only think you want to grow up, you’ll be sorry when you’re an adult you didn’t enjoy your childhood.

LOL like there was very much to enjoy about my childhood. My mother ignored me, and my father abused me. This isn’t a poor me, pity me party, it’s just fact, and there are millions of kids with my same childhood. So I tried to make lemonade. I got educated, I got a good job, and I made a life.

I got really lucky and had two beautiful baby boys, one is a charmer and the other is Einstein. I got exactly what I asked for with them. Best thing I ever did, full stop. There is nothing in my life that made me worthy of them.

We all are haunted by our lives, some of us more than others. Some of us just can’t seem to sweep the cobwebs away from our minds. Some of us, seem to make the bad choices because we believe we don’t deserve the good things. Some of us, seem to go through periods where we drink too much, and other periods where we don’t drink at all. Some of us, go through life just wanting to survive, thinking we don’t deserve more. Some of us, overcompensate trying to make amends for things that aren’t our sins, by giving everything away to the wrong people. Some of us lose hope.

I am so tired of fighting. My entire life I fought dragons and trolls. I’m not my mom, my energy is not endless, and I’ve had enough. That’s not to say I want to leave my children, it only means I’ve had enough of whatever Karma seems to be handing out. I don’t want to fight with creditors anymore, I don’t wan’t to fight with my ex anymore, I don’t want to feel demeaned by my boss anymore, I don’t want to listen to the testing guy talk down to me, I don’t want to feel like I’ve failed in every arena (well except Arena’s arena).

Death doesn’t scare me, it seems to me to be a release. No more pain, no more hurt, no more trying to fight the tide. That’s why when I meet with the doctor, if he gives me a treatment plan with chemicals and pain, I’m going to refuse.

Everybody will reach a point where the fight doesn’t seem worth it. I’m there. I can’t take anymore pain. I have loved Yoni and Eitan, the PJ, even Oren, my mom and sister, I’m deeply sorry, but I can’t do this any longer. If the doctor says this is the end, I’m too tired to fight. I will refuse treatment.

The last few months I want to spend on the beach, in the water, in the sun, and in laughter. I will not spend it in a hospital room with poisons in my blood, getting sick or waiting for a liver that won’t come. I want to sit and watch my children run up and down the beach, I want to jump waves with them. I want to smile and laugh.

I want them to remember us on Frishman.

Advertisements