I miss my mom so much, it hurts.

Last night I howled like I haven’t howled since my mom died. A year ago I learned my dad died, it didn’t hurt like this does. People don’t get it when you tell them you’re alone. I’m alone, and it sucks massive oranges. Big assed, huge oranges. I miss laying down next to my mom and sleeping. I miss having somebody in this world that misses and loves me.

How did my life get so f’ed up, I don’t even reconginize it. I’m just being stupid, maybe it’s 40 or maybe it’s raising kids by myself, or maybe it’s wanting my mom back. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, ok I am, but it’s really about the longing. It’s about fighting with my mom and not knowing how much it was going to hurt when she was gone. It’s about not knowing that I would lie on my bed and shake.

To be honest, we had a hate/love relationship. She/I loved me/her more than we hated each other. She kind of forced me into my first boyfriend. I think I loved him because she wanted me to.  He was a decent bloke, but I could have done better. I moved to Israel  because she wanted me to live here.

At any rate, it was what it was. So yeah, 22 years on we look back in wonder about what could have been. But what could have been doesn’t count. The only thing that that matters is what is. Yoni and Eitan are, and they’re the only thing that matters. Full stop. Best thing I ever did.

Happy Birthday Mommy