“Don’t you want a partner?”

Said the accounts manager to me. As if they’re falling of trees, as if they’re lined up outside the door, as if, ……. a lot of things.

But the truth is I deserve a lot of the blame in my stagnant to non-existent personal life.  I make no effort to meet anybody. I’m too picky, I know what I want, and more importantly what I don’t want.

I could make up a lot of reasons why I don’t make more of an effort, but I know the truth. The truth is that almost a year later and I can’t get beyond the Packet Jedi. How pathetic, but how true. Maybe it’s not even about him, maybe it’s about knowing what’s possible, and not being willing to settle for less.

Dating for the sake of dating feels like waste of time. It takes me about  2 minutes of chatting to know if there is a connection, if they’re pushy, or if they’re a player. I listen to my friends that date, and it’s always the same crap.  I can’t be bothered. Give me the beach and a board any day over coffee and trying to act interested.

There must be something wrong with me. Doesn’t everybody want to find a partner “for life” (as we’re being sentenced).

It’s not that I don’t want to fall head over heels, it just doesn’t seem possible anymore. Some where in the back of my mind there are scenes of summer nights, a beach and laughter. If I close my eyes and concentrate, I can see a gentle man and feel his lips. I can feel my hand in his as I smile at him. Yes, I want to feel like that again.

But the aftermath is like having your guts ripped out and thrown to the sharks. Maybe that is the point, I don’t want to survive the fallout again. After a bad marriage, one totally failed relationship, and a relationship that literally changed my life, I’m done.

I’ve run the spectrum, there isn’t anywhere really left to go, well besides back to bed, alone. The good thing about sleeping alone is that you can’t hear yourself snore, nobody hogs the blankets, and you can sleep spread eagle.  Well, until the ninjas invade.