I am the ultimate pain in the ass.

Just ask the guys in testing, when they hear my heels clicking down the hall they scatter. They put on the meanest Pitbull faces and battle gear. Before I can ask the question, they’re already shaking their heads and grunting “Not Now”.  The only way I’m going to get what I need out of these boys is if somebody draws blood.

I’ve stood with the head of testing and explained to him how the box needed to be documented. Then he would turn to my male co-worker and ask him what he thought. Errol would repeat word for word what I had said. Only at that point would the testing manager agree. Then I learned about ego stroking and my world changed.

Sun Tzu writes in the Art of War, “Hold out baits to entice the enemy.  Feign disorder,and crush him.”

I’m not going to be able to entice the testers with homemade cookies, music downloads, by editing their documents, or fixing their CVs.  This leaves my with only two options, Breasts and Ego Stroking.

Yes it’s true, I’ve turned to cleavage, a smile, and perfume  to distract the Packet Jabas from tests plan or whatever RFC they’re reading. This is a tried and tested manner for getting what I need.

Shame you say, perhaps, but I know more than one writer that has reverted to these tactics.  We use to joke that we wore a certain blouses or T-shirt because we had to spend the day in the lab.  All in the name of adaptation.

Believe me,  my brains, my education, my years of experience are not going to get me an IP address and/or the document reviewed on time. The “in bickering” between the Axis of Evil (Testing, PMs, and R&D) is not going to get the job done. But a smile, some eyelash batting, and telling Avi how absolutely wonderful he is just might.

We’ve all done it in one way or the other. How many fake  “wow that’s amazing”,  “you look great”, “have you been working out”, “I always knew you were a smart guy, but I never knew you were that smart” or “that’s so cool” have I uttered while be told of VLAN tagging and triple play. For somebody with a low tolerance level for bull shit, I sure do know how to shovel it on. Although, I suppose there are worse things to fake.

So I have to go to the lab this afternoon, and I’m trying to come up with something nice, witty, and complementary to say.  To quote Sun Tzu, “All warfare is based on deception”.

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