Preface – Don’t read this entry if the type of person who judges other based on their mistakes or because they don’t live up to your specific life ethics.

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I’m haven’t lived a charmed life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had it good. I know exactly how blessed I am. But I’ve made some wrong choices and some really bad ones. Friday was no exception, I messed up, totally.  I’m angry at myself because I saw it coming and should have been smarter, sigh.

I’ve really been trying to get back on program, and get over last fall’s heartbreak. Trying to do the right thing and move on, but it’s been really hard.

I lost my best friend, my Walsingham. My most trusted advisor and friend. The pain at times has been unbearable, and did my best not succumb to the over powering grief I’ve felt at times.  And for the most part I’ve been OK.

I’ve been dating, not very successfully.  I’ve been lonely. You’d think that with all I have going on I wouldn’t have time to get lonely. In fact, this situation and not having somebody to share it with has magnified the loneliness. In spite of that I’ve kept my head down and my feet moving forward.

The last month I’ve been pursued by a late 20 something.  I have to say he’s  really nice guy and super intelligent. But he’s young and can’t really relate to my life.  We just orbiting different planets with different end-destinations. So the last thing I ever thought was that we’d actually go out.

Friday, I finally broke down and agreed to meet for a drink.  We had some wine, and then some more wine. Then he came over to watch a movie. I’m sure you can connect the dots to where this led. I’m not proud of it, the other side is, hey it’s been a really long time. Even I have an animal instinct.

But throughout the “act” I just kept thinking this isn’t right. This isn’t the right thing to do.  Not because I’m ashamed or I’m reverting back to the 18-year-old Anna. It was wrong because I know better. I know what it’s like to be so connected with somebody you transcend the physical. And without that connection, the act is just that, an act. It becomes  a temporary fix.  I am not disgusted with myself because I understand why I allowed this to happen. I don’t feel like I committed a sin or in some way betrayed the moral code by which I live.

What I feel is that I betrayed the lessons I learned with the Packet Jedi. I feel I should have come out of that relationship wanting more, expecting more from myself and others. I feel like I should pursuing that type of relationship I need and not a temporary distraction. This was not what I wanted.

I think that one particular point was driven home (excuse the pun). That is, if you have a broken heart or are trying to move on, sex with the wrong person for the wrong reasons doesn’t help heal you.  It just rips your heart open farther.The blood and guts start to spill out of you again.

If you’re lucky you realize what you’ve had, what you really need, and what you ought to be striving towards.  Maybe it wasn’t a bad choice, but maybe just another opportunity to grow.

 

 

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