Wow, what a week. Never want another one like this one, ever, full stop.

Let’s recap, Leumi card lawyers would not agree to release my salary until I deposited 13,600 NIS in their account, um yeah.  Next, my step-father keeps says he’s sending the money “this week” for five weeks/five months/almost 5 years, yeah squared.  Finally my beautiful happy son is struggling with emotional issues, as well as something apparently organic. We were Tel Hashomer for an appointment, by chance I went back to get an ishur for work, and heard the doctors talking.  I quote, “Well it’s no doubt from the mother. If he’s got  ADHD he got it from her.

My grandfather was and apparently one of my aunts is bi-polar, my other aunt is loony (I mean that with all the affection in the world), other members of the family struggle with addiction issues, so  I know exactly how nuts my family is. I really didn’t need the doctors reminding me, even if it was through a half-closed door.

That said,  the same family members includes a musical genius, a judge, a hot-shot lawyer in LA, and a couple of really smart and witty comics.  Properly treated, things like bipolarity can be managed,  and in no way limits educational, career, or comic potential (to the latter, it might actually enhance).

When you grow up like I did, you learn to do alone well. That is the upside. And I do alone wonderfully. Sleeping alone doesn’t bother me, weekends alone don’t bother me, even going to a movie by myself doesn’t phase me.  As long as I’ve got the pool and my music I’m set.  Heck, I’ve lived in a foreign country for 17 years, without a single family member.

I was in my marriage alone. When you’re doing everything by yourself, it’s the  same thing as being alone. Even when there’s a warm body in the bed next you. I think that’s why we survived 14 years, because I was used to the “aloneness” of it.

The down side is you also learn to have no expectations from anybody else other than yourself.  You take everything on yourself, because you never learned how to delegated. Whether at work or at home, you expect yourself to do it all/be it all. That’s a lot of weight.

For me, all that weight became physical weight. Ironically it’s taken being physically alone for 3 years  to get rid of the emotional and actual weight I acquired being in a sad lonely marriage.

This last week has really forced me to look at what being alone means. It’s forced me to ask for help, that’s not something I do well. I never have.  It’s forced me to ask some really hard questions, like:

What is my familiarity with being alone doing to my children.

Have I isolated them by living in Israel without a family.

Am I, by myself, going to be able help them with their issues.

Am I failing them.

These are not questions you ask yourself when you’re used to being alone. Maybe, this entire situation is causing my tectonic plates to shift. Maybe I’m in the middle of an earthquake, and it’s taken 8 on the Richter to shake me awake. Because even if I don’t mind being alone for me, maybe my kids mind me being alone for them.  Maybe  G-d is trying to tell me that I only have to be alone if I chose to be.

I am so blessed, I have a good career, I have an education, I have beautiful children, I have amazing friends, and I have laughter.

So maybe G-d is trying to tell me that I need to be sharing that with other people, rather than keeping it all to myself.

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