I’m a single mother to twins, so I spend a lot of time talking to walls. G-d bless them, if Bakugan or Beyblade is on, I might as well talk to myself,  because there isn’t a thing listening on 11 Hatkva street that is listening to me.  Even when I talk to my Ex it’s like talking to a wall, information goes in, but apparently can’t be computed.

And today the floor fell out from under my feet. The very situation I’d taken 2 extra jobs (to my embarrassment) to avoid happening happened, the Leumi Card lawyers put a lien on my salary. I wish I could tell you that I cried or broke down. I didn’t, I sighed, said it figured, and called my lawyer.

But now 8.5 hours later, as I sit here, it’s hitting me that in 30 days I could be homeless, because my landlord is psychopath and if you’re 1 day late, she threaten lawyers.  I sent an email to Tim and asked him to please please please send the money he owes me, which will make this all go away, talking to walls.  The lawyer called the Leumi card lawyers, talking to walls.  I told Oren what happened, crying to walls.

There is a part of me that wants to scream, if you have a Leumi Card credit card know this can happen to you if you lose your job,  your family, and everything you knew before. There is another part of me that blames myself, 100% .

And more than anything, there is only one person I feel like I can trust myself to talk to, and I can’t talk to him. Which magnifies the pain, because after everything, I still need my friend.

I want to be strong enough to deal with all of it by myself,  I want to be Gibraltar. I want the water to wash over me and not be worn down.  But I’m not I’m Anna, and each wave that hits is taking a chunk of my spirit.

I’m losing my laughter. This is the saddest statement of all.  I feel like I can’t no longer throw my head back in unadulterated laughter.

So for the next three weeks, I am going to live in denial. I am going to hope Tim sends the money his been delaying for four years, and I am going to hope the lawyer comes through with an answer. I’m going to forget what a shamble my life is in, and pray really hard.

I’m going to go to Frishman and talk to mom. And while I’m there I’m going to talk to the PJ  in spirit.  I don’t know if they’ll hear me, but I have a feeling it’s better than talking to Leumi Card or the wall.

 

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