I feel like Gregor Samsa, there is something happening to me. I’m evolving into something/someone totally different from who’ve I been.  I’m sure that some of my friends will be worried just by the title of this post, like Samsa’s family they will stare in horror. Girls from Normandy Park do not listen to Eminem.

Two weeks ago, I asked Oren to download David Guetta’s latest CD. He stared at me, and said “David Guetta? Seriously, you listen to James Taylor and John Couger Mellencamp and Springsteen.”

Me:  “And Nickleback, Bach, Guns and Roses, and Valaldi. What’s your point”.

Him:  “You certainly are a completely different person than I married. Who are you.  The old Anna wouldn’t have picked up and moved to Tel Aviv just because of a 4 hour daily commute.  She would have put her head down and moved forward.  And she’d never asked me to download Guetta”.  The look in his eyes was about the same as if he discovered I was sacrificing children in the basement, pure horror.

In that second I almost looked him and said,  “No Friggen Kidding! Hence the divorce!”.  I mean I always knew it took a long time for facts to sink into his head, but I never thought it would take him 3 years to pull his head out. WOW!

3 years ago, I would have never even considered downloading an Eminem album.  But last week I did, and I listened to it.  I put my preconceptions of his musicc and really listened to the lyrics.  His mouth is horrific, and I would bury myself if my children spoke like him.  But there is a story of redemption in Recovery. I understood what he was trying to say. I never thought I’d say this, but it is Urban Poetry.  His music wouldn’t be the same if  he white washed the lyrics. When I put my judgement aside, I was able to see the bigger picture.

I guess talking to Oren I finally understood that  he’d never seen me. In 16 years, he’d never understood my core. Maybe because I never understood my core.  I was never able to except my own very raw edges. I was so caught up trying to “do it all”,  “be it all”,  and “have it all”, I didn’t have energy to evolve into me.  Funny thing when I lost everything, I got something, I got me.

My preconceptions and prejudgment  are gone, and because they are, I feel lighter.  I mean, I’m not going to lie, I’m still a bit of snob, I mean you can take the girl out of the park…But I’ll no longer, or I will do my best not to,  judge something before unwrapping the package  (well unless it comes in a blue Tiffany’s box).

For all of it,  the problems with the debt,  the reduced salary, the juggling of 100 balls at any given time, and the over all daily PITA of running around, I am grateful. I have been humbled and I have grown in a way I couldn’t have in loveless stress ridden marriage. I am grateful for the courage (maybe stupidity) and faith it took to leave.  I gave myself and my children the gift of personal evolution.

But don’t ever expect to me to  like Marilyn Manson…..

Advertisements