Growing up in my house was an experience. We were three generations of hysterical Jewish women/girls living under one roof.

My grandmother from the time my grandfather died in 1973 until the day she died never dated.  She had a small single bed with a board between the mattress (to keep it stiff).  She was the least “sexual” person I ever met (ewe wouldn’t want to think of her any other way anyway. Bubbie’s were not meant to even think about sex).  We once tried to set her up with the Cantor from Bikur Holim, let me tell you she was not having it.

She died in 2002, that means she spent 30 years alone, literally, wow, women of a different generation. Most of what I learned about dating and family values I learned from her.  Funny enough, after my mom died I found my grandparents wedding licence and my uncle’s birth certificate. Um they married in May  ’51 and my Uncle was born in December ’51.  To quote my Aunt Chris, “he was the biggest 2 month  old she ever saw”.  Turns out Bubbie wasn’t such a prude after all.

My mother married at 18, had me at 19 and was divorced by 22, it was the early 70s.  Not much chance of her being a prude, but she sure acted like it, well kind of.  Some of my earliest memories are kissing my mom goodbye when she went out. She had this brown leather jacket with fox fur collar she always wore. I can still smell that jacket.  She dated, a lot. Don’t get me wrong, not like a man a minute, but I don’t ever remember her not having a boyfriend.

We knew that we weren’t allowed in her room on a Saturday or Sunday morning if the door was closed. I kind of don’t think I even understood why until I was over the age of 15 or 16, ok I was really naive.  I mean my kid sister explained to me the logistics of being gay, so you know.

I don’t think I ever saw my mother express her sexuality ever. It was there, um the closed-door, but it was never talked about. Sex was a taboo, and good girls don’t do it. I think that message stuck with me most of my life. I thought that being sexual was the equivalent of being slutty.  You did not want to be the girl in high school or college that everybody talked about, especially where I grew up.

I went through my marriage with the same hang ups.  I was there to service my husband. It didn’t matter if I enjoyed it or not,  I was there to procreate and keep my husband happy. There was was no my enjoyment in the act.

I didn’t dive into the dating world when Oren and split, but the dating world kind of fell on me. I had never ever considered myself sexy, ever.   But when I started working out and swimming again,  I regained my body if that makes sense. I got my great legs back, and some of the bad curves were replaced with good curves, and I felt/feel good.  I began to understand the power my femininity holds.  I started dressing in a way that flatters my good parts and minimizes the bad parts.  I felt sexy and like a woman.

Then the universe changed for me, and I started to enjoy sex. I mean, I’m not talking every weekend with somebody new, but within the relationship that I was or am in (OK the Accessory Man doesn’t count, he’s a handbag remember), I  started to really love it and even crave it.  And when I’m not having it, I miss it. Me, the coldest woman on earth (according to Oren).

If I had a daughter (when she’s old enough)  I would tell her to be responsible, be in a loving relationship, be aware, and enjoy yourself.  Enjoy the body that G-d has given you, but respect it and yourself.

Being sexy has become an aspect of me, it’s an aspect I like. It feels good, both mentally and physically.  I enjoy being in touch with  this aspect of my being, maybe because it was missing for so long.

I feel empowered.

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