Guys, this is how not to start a first phone conversation…”So tell me, would you have more kids“.

Yikes!  “Not hi my name is “the talker” I got your number from mutual friends that said you might be able to help with something”. Yikes!

Friends of the family asked me to help out a friend of theirs that had recently moved back to Israel after many years overseas. And that is how he started the phone conversation.  In the next 40 minutes I learned how his wife left him for another man, that’s he’s looking for a “breeder” (kid you not), that he was taking programming classes, and he asked me if I could help him get a job.  Wow, that was a long conversation! BTW – I hate talking on the phone. If I don’t have to, I don’t want to.

Then he asked me out.  Now as he’s a friend of very close family friends, I felt stuck.  I think I muttered something about not really having anytime between work, kids, and the pool. You’d think he’d get the message.

Then he added me as  friend on Facebook, I should’ve rejected the request.  It took 3 seconds after accepting the request for him to open the chat.  I went to a meeting for AN HOUR and left FB running. When I came back there were 150 messages.  The guy has a lot to say.

He wore me down. I figured if I went out with him (with friends) it would be horrible and he would just SHUT UP! So I agreed to the date.  Then the SMSes started every friggen hour.   Things like “Good Morning Starshine”,  “Liala Tov sweetheart”.  STARSHINE are you friggen kidding me. I am not warm, cuddly, perky, and all that kind of sweet crap.  So to send me a sms that said starshine almost made me run for the hills. Oh boy I wish I had.

In the end, we found a time where the four of us could meet for dinner. My poor friends, I don’t think they knew what a whack job this guy was.  We sit down to order, and he says, “I’m paying for dinner, but so you know I’m a cheapskate so don’t order anything too expensive”.

“Oh man, if I have to listen to you talk all night the only thing I want is a bottle of Merlot”,  I thought.

“So what kind of woman are you”  he says. “The only reason I ask is because my wife was a real bitch.  She got PPD after the first kid was born. Do you believe in PPD. I think it’s a load of crap”

Garscon make that two bottles.

“So yeah, and then she was focused on her career, and didn’t want another baby. But in the end I made enough noise she gave in.” And so he talked and talked and talked.  Finally the sushi came. My only thought, now he’ll have to be quiet because he’ll have food in his mouth.  Guess what, yep, my biggest nightmare. He talks with food in his mouth.

Then I kid you not, he put his hand inside my skirt on my thigh, looked me in the eyes and winked.  After all most choking on the Maki, I was out of my seat like a bat out of hell, and out the door of the restaurant even faster.

YUCK who the hell does that!

I will never feel like I have to do anything again. I either want to, I choose to, or I won’t.  Friends and Family are important obligations but friends of friends are not.  And from now on, I’m listening to that little voice that tells me that somethings off and sends up little red flags, because there’s a reason G-d gave us instinct.