Desperate: 1 a : having lost hope <a desperate spirit crying for relief> b : giving no ground for hope <the outlook was desperate>
2 a : moved by despair <victims made desperate by abuse> b :involving or employing extreme measures in an attempt to escape defeat or frustration <made a desperate leap for the rope>

Ever notice when a man gets divorced, nobody calls him desperate. Depending on the reason he divorced, he may get called a lot of things, but desperate is generally not one of them.

Women on the other hand get called desperate a lot. Heck, they even name TV shows after desperate women. Would it be as funny if it was called Desperate Men?  I mean really,  how large do you think the ratings share would really be. BTW – I love desperate housewives.

My biggest fear throughout this entire process has been that I will be viewed as “desperate”. I mean after all I’m 38 with two small kids. I must be, right?  Surely when people talk about me they use the term “poor thing” or “it’s really too bad”.

Do you know how many times I’ve heard, “Are you sure you want a divorce. Because there aren’t so many good men out there”. As if it’s better to stay in a marriage where you’re depressed, resentful, and you know what, desperate.

Only once did I hear, “Geez Anna, what took you 12 years.  I think you’re making the right decision”.  And that was from somebody that was Oren’s friend long before she was mine.

Let me break it down for you, I am not desperate.  I have a good job , beautiful kids,  amazing friends that make me laugh my butt off everyday.  I am well-educated.  I have travelled all over the world, and I am strong and independent. I have one issue that is making everything else really difficult, but that is one aspect of my life.  In time (maybe a lot) that will be over too (please g-d).

So why then, do men assume that being divorced must make you desperate. I know it’s not all men, but there are quite a few. Even talking to my girlfriends,  I hear the same thing over and over.  Things like “he just assumed that after buying me dinner we’d go to his place” or “he just assumed that I was looking for a dad for my kids. Dah asshole,  my kids have a dad”.   Please guys, don’t assume anything, just because our status is separated or divorced. You’d be surprised how many of us like it that way.

I don’t know if I ever want to be married again.  Which in a lot of way is liberating. It means that I am not desperate to find “a man”. I am not desperate to let somebody else solve my problems.  I am not going to go sit in a corner and wait to die because my marriage ended.

What am I going to do,  I am going to live fiercely. I am going to work my ass off to get out of debt, I am going raise my boys to be strong individuals who know their own minds.  I want them to free thinkers, to be kind, to do mitzvot, and to treat others justly.  I am going to live the kind of life for which I am worthy.

We all “get” desperate from time-to-time, maybe we’re worried about money, or maybe there’s a deadline, and you’re desperate to finish.  But BEING Desperate should not be an option for a way to live life.

Do not be desperate, do not be angry, do not be controlling about things that are out of your control

Be alive, be strong, be happy, be positive……….  Just Be.

That’s my soapbox for the day.

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