I need to breath.  I need to take a deep breath and get through this, but it’s so hard.  And the only thing I’m doing is inventory. I’m doing the inventory of my life, inventory of my things, inventory of my soul.

They can take my laptop, they can take my TV, they can take my microwave, but they can’t take my self respect.  All of this because I wanted to be OK with everybody. I gave everything away, just cause I wanted somebody to tell me I was a good girl. That’s the only thing I ever wanted.

So now I’m counting what everything is worth. It’s too bad I never counted what I was worth. I wish somebody had told me I was worth something.  I wish someobody told me that my soul mattered.

So here I am adrift, waiting the 30 days before I can’t even blog, cause my laptop will be gone. And the stupidest thing is how small my debt is. It’s not very much, but enough that I can’t exhale. It’s enought that if Oren would pay child support every month I’d pay it off.

And now the only thing I want to do is exhale. If I can exhale, I’ll be OK. If I can remember to breath through it, I’ll live. It’s only money. So why is this so hard.

But what I really want to do, is find a rock and sit on it. I want to start to cry and sob through it. I want to weep. I want to be hysterical, fall asleep, wake up, and have it all be over. But that is not going to happen, so for now I need to breath., I need to fill my lungs with air, and just get it over with….and I from now on I’m counting myself in the inventory. I’m worth something, otherwise why am I here?

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