I have a Do Not Disturb sign on my heart and spirit.  The small print reads, leave me alone and I won’t bother you. Don’t tread on me, I won’t tread on you.  I’ve always known how to live with me, alone doesn’t bother me. Trusting somebody with my mind, spirit, heart, and soul does.

I have loved three men in my life.  The first was the love of youth. He turned out to be a pathological cheat. The second was my ex-husband, and he was my friend more than my lover. The third, took my breath away and left my body numb, but broke my heart and spirit.  That’s when I hung the Do Not Disturb sign outside my door.  Just leave me alone, go away, let me be, don’t talk to me, and I sure as hell don’t want to feel anything.

That’s not to say I haven’t dated, oh I’ve dated, but nothing. And I always walk away thinking about  what I’ve done wrong. I don’t stop to think that it’s not me, but the sign I hang on my forehead, don’t disturb. The bottom line is, that even if you can “manage” alone, you can’t go through life being  a “Do Not Disturb” sign.

Then when everything is wrong, I mean it’s all “upside down” (Hebrew translation) , somebody knocks at that door. And I sit behind it, and I will not answer. In mind I pray they will go away. Please leave, please check out, please just leave. And in the end they do, cause that’s what you do when you see the sign on the door. You leave.

I want to put the sign on the other side of the door.  I want the maid to clean up and take the garbage away. I don’t want to be so familiar with my own stuff on the floor that I won’t anybody else touch it. I’m searching for how to do that. I wish that I knew at 21 how  to pick up the crap and throw it out. I’m angry it’s taken me  38 years to figure it out.

The last couple of weeks maybe I’ve heard a very faint knocking. But I’m so scared to answer that I don’t. Part of me wants it to go away because I know it can’t end well. The other parts wants to believe, at the very least, it would be a wonderful part of the journey.

In the meantime, I’m going to go sit in the corner and think about my options.