I’m missing stuff, but I use to miss stuff.
I missed a lot of the important things for a while, but one day I had my A-Ha moment.  Woke up one day morning, and hated my life (not the  kids). Wondered what had happened. I spent 8 years commuting to Tel Aviv everyday, 4 of which I had babies literally at home. That’s time I don’t get back.
I resented my husband, and there wasn’t a lot of joy.  He always worked, and did his job well, but wasn’t driven to move a head. He was content, I was not. I made a lot of money, but it was never enough.  It felt like I always had 10 balls in the air. And nobody was there to help me catch them.
Funny how you can sleep next to a person, and feel totally alone. You can live with somebody and never talk to them. When I say talk, I mean have a conversation beyond bills, what’s for dinner, and what they need.  Even our personal life became only about “servicing his car”.
There wasn’t any we,  only him, even after the twins. When I went to the gym, he’d tell me I was selfish for not spending all my time with him and the boys. When I went to Rome with a friend, he told me I was a horrible mother. When I went to Sardinia alone, he told me I was mentally deranged. Maybe I was, I lived with him for 12 years.
I was not present in my own life for me, I was present for a lot of people, but not me. Now I make 1/2 of what I use to, I no longer own my apartment,  the beautiful car and jewelry is gone. I owe money for the stuff we use to have.
But I’m happy. I know my kids. I know how they wake up, and how they go to sleep. I have time for me, something I didn’t have before. I can be honest about who I am and what I want. I can choose to be a relationship or choose not to, and with whom. I don’t feel stuck.  I discovered that I can really love a man, and not have to take care of him. I have been humbled. What an amazing journey.
I don’t miss stuff anymore. Cause stuff is just stuff, you can own everything and have nothing.
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