I just got out of the bath, the parts of my body that aren’t swollen from steroids, have bones sticking out. Much like the creditors, I haven’t been making enough deposits, and now my body is going Chapter 11.

I’ve traded Jaundice for Anemia, black rings under my eyes included. My skin is no longer yellow, but my skin is so pale I don’t even recognize myself. My kids check my eyes every day to make sure the yellow has lessened. I used to think I’d kill to be super thin, now I’d kill to eat normally.

Diagnosis: Psychically Chapter 11.

Recently, I hired a lawyer to file Bankruptcy. I’ve tried so hard to pay back the divorce debt alone. However, I refuse to have my kids go without, so Orange gets theirs. We’ve gone from the family that vacationed in Europe every year, to a family that has taken food donations. Caution: This can happen to anyone, High-Tech crash, take an underpaying job, getting sick, and then losing the crappy job you had. How many people are immune?

Diagnosis: Financial Chapter 11.

A couple of years ago, I lost a good friend to circumstance. I remember being so depleted by his rejection, I lost my center. The pain of losing my friend and his laughter still rips my heart open. In addition, my kids have been through the ringer with doctors and schools. Every time the phone rings during school hours my heart drops. I am not happy being forced to give my kids Ritalin and Respond. I hate it, and my kids hate the meds.

Diagnosis: Emotionally Chapter 11.

A few months ago, I thought my only way out was via the Heverah Hakiddisha, I could not see a way out from the debt. In February, all my systems crashed, my eyes glowed in the dark, and the doctors were grim. Now I want to be able to eat, and to LIVE.

Money is only money, but the love of your child means everything.


Love life mightily, love your children the same. They are the only things that matter!


When I was a kid, you couldn’t talk about who was hurting, bullying or calling you names.

Therapy is hard, but it makes you come to terms with shit you don’t want to talk about. Like growing up believing your mom wasn’t even on your side. Hell in High School, somebody drew a picture of Yassir Arafat over my desk. They also left a brochure about Mein Kampf on my desk, kids suck. You should read what people wrote in my year book, unreal.

“Ignore it” my mom said. So what if they called you kike, fat, ugly, and stupid (none of which I was besides a Kike). But you know what, my Grandma said the same thing to her, “Just Ignore It”.

Here’s the thing, when were adults, we choose to ignore it, we choose to be silent, WE CHOOSE. Children don’t choose to be made fun of, children don’t choose to be laughed at in homeroom (yeah they used to laugh at how big my breasts were), and children don’t choose to want to die.

When your child comes to crying because he was called dumb, take a stand.

That’s why Glee Rocks! They honor the weak, the different, and the “losers”. Shouldn’t we all.

October is anti-bullying month, take a stand, I am.


I had the greatest Mom and Grandma in the world. However they were ill fortified for the job at hand.

My sister and I grew up in a house where if Kathy wasn’t setting the refrigerator on fire, John was beating down a door because he was high. It’s no wonder my mom got married at 19. I would choose escape to as well. Plus Kristin was only two months when my dad split. My mom could only deal with one kid at a time, and it wasn’t me.

The last three weeks, I’ve had to do a lot of acceptance. My dad left because he was sick. My mom had more on her plate than anybody could deal with, I was the easiest to get left behind. It doesn’t mean she didn’t love me or meant to abandon me, but she did emotionally. My Bubbie, who I love more than anything, just had too many sad children because of Grandpa. These things are hard to accept.

They also liberate, I can finally say it wasn’t me. I wish I knew that at 8.


I’m from Seattle, so I know every sleepless joke.

I just never knew saying somebody sounded like a Chihuahu would lead to a balagon. Like really, she yaps in your ear, and you can’t say that? OK, maybe not next to Yoni, but still lady, try not sleeping for weeks because you want to keep the lights on, and then you finally sleep.

Personally, I want to know when we lost all rights to be parents and to make comments on-the-fly. So Lieberman can shoot his mouth off, but I can’t say he sounds like a Chihuahu ?


There is an old joke, about “What’s the difference between a Catholic mother and a Jewish mother?”. Answer: “The Catholic mother was born feeling guilty, the Jewish mother was born to make you feel guilty”.

True story, that’s why up-to-now I didn’t sue my ex. I didn’t want to be that story to be my story. So I’ve always tried to take the guilt on myself.

This is the simple reason I never sued Oren for child support, I did not want to be the bad guy. For the first time in my life, I felt pure anger, without guilt.

Oh how that backfired on me. Instead of being the bad guy, I’ve turned into the friar (sucker). We (I) got another bill this week for something Oren was supposed to pay, and didn’t, in my name. Rack another 15,000NIS in my name up. Kind of the turning point to bitch for me. Then I called to ask him about minimal child support, and he laughed in face. Then Yoni told me today that Oren and his new wife are going on their honeymoon in Cyprus. Finally, this asshole told the told the family therapist that “if she died, I would send the boys to boarding school”. Something switched in me, or maybe switched off.

I’m not doing this anymore, it takes a lot to break me, but this comment about not taking care of children I fought 6 years to bring into the world because his sperm was crap. Five years of hormones and treatments, and he’d send them to boarding school, well fuck you and fuck off.

End of story.


My love, my Jedi, I’m finally moving on, or at least trying. It has taken two years, and I still love you, but I must move forward.

How many of my definitions have changed because of you, definitions of myself and definitions of love.

You changed my compass of myself, of what’s important, of what the human spirit is, so I’m moving on to maybe something new. I love you and you are so ingrained on my heart. You are always be with me. However, I’ve been crying for over 766 days, and he almost makes me feel like you did.

He wants to look at me, and tell me I’m beautiful, and look at me the way you did.

So I’m going to try to start fresh (sigh again).

You are always with me, I will always look out for you in anyway I can. I love you madly and without out shame. Sadly, love isn’t enough.

Now I must rebuild my career and my private life. My career will fall into place, and my personal life, and well he makes me laugh. He’s as uptight as you, he has the same twinkle of mischief in his eyes, and he kisses me like you used to, with purpose and with love.

Sometimes I wish he was you, but if he was you, then I’d be crying underwater with goggles (which I still do from time-to-time). You will always be the one I miss the most, but I miss too many people in my life. I can’t miss anybody anymore.

I love you, wish me G-dspeed. Hope for the best for me, hope I smile at him, like I smiled at you on the beach.

You are always with me, F&A


Warning, don’t read this if swearing is offensive, I’m about to let one rip ****************************************************************

Fuck you, mother fucker, My mother was right, you are so far below our level, who the fuck leaves their kids without out food for a week when their ex-wife has lost her job. You stupid fucking asshole, I’ll see you in court. What the hell makes you think that your not responsible for your own children, on what shitty planet do you live.

Your son spat on me, he hits me, he kicks me, and I’m only trying to love him and trying to repair the damage you’ve done. Yoni said to me, “Abba said to me you were a zona “whore”. How nice considering I was always faithful and support your ass beyond what was required.

So yeah, I’m a whore to loving my children. You suck bull balls, while we won’t be eating this weekend, you selfish mother fucker, I will be seeing you in court, so fuck you, fuck off, and anything you get, you deserve.


I didn’t go to therapy today. I was scared they’d say what my mom would have, “you’re just like your father”.

But I’m not, I work hard, I support my children, I love them to the depths of my soul, they are my life, I would never break them.

37 years on, when it comes to relationships and men, I’m still broken This thing with my dad has effected me and my entire life. I don’t know how to let go and trust. What’s worse, is that my dad taught me I wasn’t worthy of love, so I settle.

I mean who is going to love me after what my dad did, is it even possible.
The moral is, love your children, hug them, kiss them, and never ever say things that will effect their body image, sexual image, and most important, who they are morally.

Your daughter will always love you, but she will never recover if she feels like you never loved her. Take it from an expert.


“You’re not what I was excepting, you curvier than I thought. So I’m not interested”.

Well fuck you and fuck off asshole. I swam 4K today, and I don’t need your approval or your rejection, more than that, I don’t need your erection. Seriously Fuck off, but thanks for the wine.

I spent 5 years forcing myself to throw up over a toilet bowl because I hated myself. I am 5’8’ with a line backer build and was 140lbs for 5 years, because everything I ate, I made myself throw up. Then I spent 10 years being overweight because I was unhappy in a bad marriage. Now I’ve spent almost a year, working my friggen ass off to be at a healthy weight., and this douche bag comes along, seriously, you’re over 40, never married, and have a kid you don’t even feel connected too, I mean really, you think you got the short end of the stick, oh fuck off.

Men are seriously retarded. They only think with the part of their brain that sticks out, oh wait, that’s not their brain. Sorry, this guy pissed me off, if only because our daughters are going to have to deal with these assholes. Did I mention he made himself 5 years younger than he is, um, double standard comes to mind.

I’m a sexy, 40-year-old, who swims all the time. I, for sure, don’t need to hear this from a low life that can’t even commit to his daughter. I really hope that his daughter never has to deal with an asshole like her father.

Dude, just say, “there’s no chemistry”, because there wasn’t. Big friggen deal, lately I turn enough heads, I don’t need to turn yours (or touch for that matter).

But what a way to send a message to your daughter. Nice work ass-wipe.

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